A.E.Johnston Thu Feb 27 06:01:53 2025 General Chat
Just managed to submit my gamebook for the 2025 Lindenbaum Competition for 2025- It is "Scopes" and quite a difference from the last gamebook I submitted.
I cannot recommend GBAT Gamebook Authoring Tool enough! Is a super useful tool!
I have thought of another adventure, but I will have to choose one of them to focus one.
Title: The Azurean Horde Synopsis: Unexplainable events of great magnitude are happening in Northern Allansia. The storm God Suhk is furious, unleash terrible thunderstorms, wrecking havoc upon crops and causing scarcity of food. Besides, the blue dragons, ordinarily confined to the skies, are pushed away from their habitual habitat. The clergy of Salamonis have noticed a worrisome detail, as their contacts with the mountainous temple of Totenchak have abruptly ceased. Nearby it, the fearsome Popess of the Sky Demons was sealed in eternal glaciers, during the war of the wizards. The sages of Salamonis fear that order of the Azurean Horde, an once disbanded secret society at her service, is near to resurrect her. Not only would Allansia experience a general rarefaction of oxygen, but the legions of the Popess, exiled in the highest sky spheres, would claim the land as their own. Only you, a powerful warring exorcist, can set off to Totenchak and avert another critical threat to the world...
Which adventure would you prefer? I have a preference for this one, personally. I have already in mind the two correct paths and the wild goose path leading to a game over.
For this one, I thought of a Faith system. Since you are an exorcist fighting a demonic faction nestled in the depths of the Totenchak temple, faith is a factor as important as the blessed artifacts you use or magic. It is different of luck, which will be tested only as you face perils not related to encounters. You throw two dice. Only once per request. If they both have a score superior to 3, you have enough faith to overwhelm an enemy trying to unleash a curse, charm you or thwart your attempt at exorcism. Thanks to this, you sometimes defeat a foe without having to draw your sword. Failure in Faith test can result in stamina loss, or against the main antagonists high-priestess Fehedra and Mebari, the Duke of the Lower Celestial Sphere, death.
It does relate to Bob Howard's death and is based on a comment about Bruce Lee from one of 3 people in the kung fu world I would not deal with ever again; so this doesn't give me second hand joke much of a recommendation.
Well, I decided to write The Azurean Horde. I think this one inspires me the most. I have yet to write fully the backstory prologue, but I can still tease you with the very first paragraph. Make sure to tell me what you think or return feedback if I can bring some needed corrections...
SPOILER
1
It is finally at sight, although its image is heavily distorted by the furious storm. The temple of Totenchak is sprawling before your eyes, encased in the mountain like a wasp's nest. The last stage of your arduous journey is crossing the gap between the foresummit you climbed and the main side of the mountain where the goal of your journey lies. Being 500 feet long, the bridge is made of two lengths of taut Hashayak leather cord, one of top on another. The four ends are typically tied with a loose running knot, which tightens when temperature goes below zero. This is the case today and your ordeal is made all the more clear as the biting wind smites the core of your being. As a man of the cloth and exorcist worshipping the goddess of Lightning, you mutter a prayer, in an attempt to appease the anger of Suhk. Ever since the Popess's followers have formed the wish to bring her back, His anger has exploded in intensity. The very existence of the mistress of the infernal heights is a blasphemy to Him. While transfixed with cold, your prayer makes the whole ordeal seems a little less of a chastisement on you. Soon, you find yourself halfway in the cord bridge. Every four sidesteps, you have to sweep the thin layer of snow heaping up across your face. Your sense of sight is not required, but the unpleasant sensation settling in on top of your cheek bones compels you so. It is yet nothing in comparison to the bridge crossing method, as it is an already physically gruelling task during more lenient weather. Looking downward is an ever going temptation. However, it only returns the promise of serrated reliefs, as sharp as the bared fangs of a snow wolf, certain to maul any hapless traveller falling down. That is why you have to mentally focus on your prayer, while counting the knotted section you graze through with a sweeping motion of your hand. These knots have no meaning other than punctuating any recited mantra. Thus, even passing the bridge becomes an integral part of the liturgical experience of the setting. You understand it as a way to eliminate fear and ascertain faith in heart. Deep down, you admire the Totenchakans for their determination to live such a difficult and ascetic life. That is why you have hard time to understand what is currently going on... Why men of such rigorous character have stopped acknowledging Salamonis? Are the rumors about the Order of the Azurean Horde hiding in Totenchak founded? It is something you are most eager to find out, as you are nearing the end of the ropes. Then, at long last, you make your last sidesteps and grip the rock column around which they are are fastened. You smile with relief as you ended the trek with your life safe, your right foot getting its first taster of solid ground. There's hardly any happier hard confirmation than this. You prick up your ears: obviously, nobody is going to greet you as the news of your coming was not relayed. Alongside the snow mantle squeaking under your heels, the wailing of the wind is the only sound you can make out. You squint and focus sight, eyes battered by the harsh elements, to get a comprehensive look around. Before you, the wide stairway to the first terrace of the temple stands. With the snow storm raging, it is impossible to see past the end of the last step. The stairway is encircled by two walls. The right side post is ornate, featuring a carved representation of Libra, the goddess of Justice. As for the left side, symbolically that of the path winding to wickedness, you see the archetypical depiction of a demon, grasping a skull. It is difficult to discern its contours as they are covered with icicles, since the monks regularly pour holy white wine on it, as routine purification to ward off evil. Farther to the left, the wall extends until it blends into the mountain proper. You see a carved path weaving through the rock formation to wrap around the temple's main floor. It is steep and narrow, but definitively passable for a human being, as far as you can tell. Will You: Inspect the left post? (go to 129) Inspect the right post? (go to 183) Ignore the two posts and directly follow the stairway (go to 31) Walk along the left wall to take the steep path going upward (go to 141)
Writing what you find inspiring is most important. If I had have gotten back to you sooner I would have recommended the first story because it decribed the main character's dilemma very well: they are on the run trying to escape a pursuer and stumble into something that will complicate their attempts to escape. You may have a similarly compelling character dilemma for the second story, but it didn't seem to be included in the synopsis. The only feedback I will give, which is only my own opinion based on the very few things you have shared is a general comment that world-building can become too prominent, especially at the beginning of a story. Generally, the characters of the story (even in a gamebook) are what readers relate to and give a reason to care about the details of the world the characters inhabit. In the example of your story, I care less that there is a cult trying to reawaken an evil popess, and more about why the main character is the only one who can meet the threat, and why they want to or have found that responsibility thrust upon them. Hopefully that is helpful!
I agree that world building can be granted too much prominence. Pratchett, who is otherwise far from a favourite of mine, reckoned he used to just have the heroes run down random streets he made up.
Mmm, if I understand correctly, you recommend me to write more extensively about characterization, for at least the first paragraph? Does it mean, have the reader relate more with the main character, so that they get more engrossed with the world building elements I feed them? Should I write more about what personally and dramatically connects the main character to the stakes and what eventual emotions may complicate his quest? Do you think it's a bit plain that the main character in my draft is only driven to act because he is appointed by the sages of Salamonis? And last question, do you think it'd be a better idea to strew world building's exposition as the adventure treads along, through the character's reflection?
I am very pleased with your feedback. As a writer, my outlook can be different of that of a reader, I get it. If I didn't consult you, I probably would have gone on a trajectory where this gamebook ends to be a well written but rebarbative grind. Before I can continue, I need you to answer these five questions. They may hold sway to how I flesh out the first and some other key paragraphs. I might even add a sub-quest depending on how I repurpose the character.
By the way, the reason why I decided not to write about this deserter's escape gamebook, is because I am creatively stumped about a couple of critical key plot elements. For instance, the main character gets to be imprisoned in a cell on the logistics department building of the orchard domain, instead of the prison block near the vineyard where any male foreigner is normally assigned to stay (since they're enslaved by the Maenads). I cannot think of a good explanation on why the main character gets special treatment on the get go. And why the logistics department leader doesn't directly invite the main character in her office if he can be of special use. In my mind, the first part of the adventure should involve him to escape a cell and walk across a second story wraparound porch until he eventually finds this office. It is more compelling in a storytelling standpoint to me. More than just have him already at the office and share a conversation with the lady.
Of course, I can directly disregard everything and make the main character into an ordinary enslaved guy, but then again, I don't see how a leader would feel compelled to use him as a political pawn, as she conspires to steer the micro nation in any particular direction. After all, why would she entrusts critical information to a random slave who may only weaponize it to rebel and escape? It'd endanger the chief's Maenad's agenda more than anything. There has to be a mutually benefitial deal going on between the deserter guy and that chief Maenad. I just don't manage to define it in a satisfactory way.
I played this adventure as well. I have some negative criticism to write about, but it absolutely doesn't mean that I detest the gamebook or think it is bad. On the contrary. House of Hell, like Deathtrap Dungeon, is a title that made me a big fan of the gamebook medium as a whole. The idea of a prequel is delightful. My observations are under spoiler since I may spoil some aspects of the adventure to anyone reading the guestbook thread before playing.
SPOILER
1) Maybe it is too much of game book addressed to House of Hell's fans. Which means, the gamebook concept could have been more loosely based on House of Hell, while introducing major innovations. As it is, Pravemi is too much of a Kelnor clone, instead of his own quirky villain. The fact that the mansion also shelters a group of cultists doesn't help the gamebook to noticeably stand out. If fostering a sense of nostalgia was the objective of the gamebook, it worked. But I can't help but think this could have been so much more...
2) The adventure seems a little too linear and doesn't really branch out much in-depth. Most of the time you just get to open doors, exit rooms and walk in hallways. HoH had this aspect as well to an extent, but the storytelling managed to flow well enough to make you forget about this shortcoming. Though, I think it was a great idea to have the main character use often his sense of hearing. It was something that was mostly missing in Steve Jackson's book.
3) The marked door signs in general gives away too much the function of the room. When I decided to avoid them in my first plays, I was confirmed in my initial mistrust, when I finally got to open them in my retries. Perhaps it's because I have a vague understanding of Italian language, who knows? To compare with House of Hell, you cannot, for example, predict on your first play what "Asmodeus" has in store for you or why it is locked with the key on its keyhole.
4) Would have been great to flesh out a little more count Pravemi's false sense of hospitality. In this adventure, you pretty much only share a small talk around an aperitif drink, he makes you wait and then directly sends you away in your bedroom. For instance, I think it'd have helped, if we saw Pravemi feigning to take interest on the main character's presentation. His behavior doesn't seem to fully add up with the eagerness he has to lure you inside. In House of Hell, Kelnor takes time to share dinner and fake to sympathize with your situation. It makes him seem more deceptively innocent...
Aside from these four point, the gamebook has fantastic ideas here and there. I see a lot of potential for creative expansion. The unhinged old soccer fan, the mysterious long deceased daughter being still around, the cursed leisure room, the creative decision to have Shekkou being part of the mansion at the time are some of the nicest plot elements.
First and foremost you should write the kind of gamebook you want to write. If you've happy to consider my opinion, I would answer your questions as follows:
I would summarise my advice by saying that you want to give the main character a reason for undetaking an adventure that the reader is interested in seeing develop. At the end of the story you want to reward the reader with the ending, not just that character; therefore you want to engage the reader in the adventure from the outset. For example, the main character being appointed by the Sages of Salamois to undertake the mission can be a very rich and engaging start to your story, be it as dramatic as the main characater being plucked from obscurity because of a prophecy, or just as simple as being hired in a tavern because they are a famous exotcist. Giving the main character a reason or motive just makes it a more complete experience.
Because you are writing a gamebook, you do want your reader to 'inhabit' the character to some extent, so to leave room for that you either need to avoid proscibing an entire pesonality, or have some broad character strokes that most people can relate to. What determines 'too much personality' is if the choices you are offering the reader would not be viable choices for the character you have defined. The story still needs to be driven forward by the reader's choices, not by your main character's personality.
Since you are introducing the Faith System, I would suggest introducing the in-universe role of faith for the character, to present how they see challenges as tests of faith. This doesn't need to be elaborate or detailed; if you want to start your story on the side on the mountain, you can have your character look down at the village in the valley far below and recall how the villagers claimed that acending the mountain was impossible, only a madman would try...but armed with your fath you had no dount you would suceed.
Finally, I do suggest you introduce your world-building as it is encountered by your main character. My initial comments were prompted by long detailed paragraphs of information that I ended up skipping over because it was a long list of things I don't care about --- until your story makes me care about them. Your writing gives the impression that you think a lot about the setting of your world, and that level of detail is importanrt for you to know so you can introduce it when it is needed, but the reader does not need an infodump at the beginning before they even know what the story is and if they are interested in it.
Anyway, I hope those comments are helpful. I'm not an expert, just a guy with opinions.